I Am A Rock
by Sargent Snarky
Summary: SONGFIC Finally alone, Mark recited a mantra as he numbs himself to the world. postRENT


I Am A Rock 

Author: Sargent Snarky

Genre: Angst

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I don't own it. –shifty eyes- I merely RENT. (To make the same bad pun that nearly everyone here has made at one point or another) Actually, I don't even rent. I borrow without giving compensation. Anyway, the song using in this fic is "I Am A Rock" by Simon & Garfunkle. I believe it was written specifically by Paul Simon, but he and Art Garfunkle sang it together, so I'll just go ahead and credit the both of them.

Summary: SONGFIC ;; Finally alone, Mark recited a mantra as he numbs himself to the world.

I know, I know… more Angst!Mark. Nothing new. However, this popped into my head, and I felt the need to write it. So there. XP

**Please review despite the unoriginality of it! I like reviews!**

For people reading my other fics: Sorry for not updating them! I, er… keep getting distracted every time I sit down to work on them. Heh. I'm an awful person, I know. Sorreh!

Anywooo… Onto the story… Stuff centered is song lyrics, stuff aligned on the left is Mark's POV.

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A winter's day

In a deep and dark December

I am alone

They're all dead, now. They have been for a couple of months, but it hasn't all hit me until now. Because I keep expecting one of them to randomly drop in, or to yell at me for moping around or… any one of a number of things they do – no, _did_ – daily. But now, as I sit by the damn illegal wood burning stove, watching the snow drift gently down through the hole in the skylight, it hits me.

I really am alone, now. Alone, oh God, alone… Finally alone.

But, alone for what? Just to sit and remember them? Watch the goddamn memories play out in my mind over and over again?

No. I don't want that pain. It's bad enough being alone without being reminded.

Gazing from my window

To the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow

I eventually get to my feet and wander over to the windows, where I stand, looking out across the street below. It would be easy for me to open the window, climb onto the fire escape and then jump off, but… it's too much effort and I'm too much of a coward to escape the pain that way. So, instead, I just gaze and fantasize about what the fresh snow would look like with an even fresher tint of blood.

But then that causes me to think of April, and I shudder.

No. Suicide is not the way to go.

I am a rock

I am an island

Instead, I shall retreat into myself. Yes. Dive into work, Mark. Don't think all day. As long as I'm alone, numbness is the way to go. Mental anesthesia.

The others always looked to me to be the rock, anchoring them to… something. I'm not sure what. But, regardless, now I really will be what they desired. A rock.

I turn away from the window to go make myself a cup of tea, then bury myself in a book for a while. I can't film, now. And I can't watch films now, either.

So I read.

And I recite to myself, in an effort for numbness: I am a rock. I am a rock. I am a rock…

I've built walls

A fortress deep and mighty

That none may penetrate

It's been a long time, now.

I'm still numb.

Acquaintances of mine try to break my cold shell, but to no avail. I've made it too strong. My family, too… well, if you could call my blood relations _family_, they try to worm their way in, and they fail. None of them understand. None of them realize just how much I've detached.

But, you know what? I don't care.

I have no need of friendship

Friendship causes pain

It's laughter and it's a thing I disdain

I really don't, you know. I… I already had friendship. A long time ago.

I have nothing to show for it, now. Nothing except memories. Memories and pain. And the memories only cause more pain, so really, all I've gotten out of my friendships has been pain.

I remember the laughter, the love, the joy, but… that, too, brings pain. I can't take the pain.

I am a rock

I am an island

No, I cannot take the pain, so I hide. Damn it, Roger, you were right. Mark hides in his work from facing his failure. From facing his pain.

But at least I'm here. I am a rock. Repeat the mantra and make myself forget…

I am a rock. I am a rock. I am a rock…

Don't talk of love

Well, I've heard the word before

It's sleeping in my memory

Love. Bah. I had love once. Love of friends. Love of a woman… once or twice.

Don't remind me.

I am a rock. I am a rock. I am a rock… I don't need love.

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died

If I never loved, I never would have cried

I don't want to remember. Damn it, the feelings – all the feelings – are dead, and there's no use resurrecting them.

Y'know… if I had never loved… never made friends, never fallen in love, I wouldn't have been wounded so deeply by their deaths. If I hadn't loved, I wouldn't have ever cried.

I wouldn't feel like crying now, either.

I am a rock

I am an island

I am a rock. I am a rock. I am a rock…

I will not cry. I will not remember. I will not feel.

I am a rock. Mark, damn it, you are a rock. I am a rock…

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me

I am shielded in my armor

I read.

I spend a lot of time reading. It is easy, and when I read, I can detach even more. The books are another layer of armor, you see. Another separation from reality, from how reality makes me feel. Or would make me feel, if I felt anymore.

Hiding in my room

Safe within my womb

I touch no one and no one touches me

I only leave the apartment long enough to work or to get food. I don't know why I bother with the food, but it's a habit, and I see no real point in taking the effort to change it. But, I only work as much as I have to. No more.

The rest of the time I spend in the apartment. In my room, curled up on my bed, reading. It doesn't matter what I'm reading, so long as it's fiction. So long as it doesn't resurrect memories. If it begins to, I find another book.

But, regardless, I don't answer the phone. I don't even use the phone, anymore.

I don't talk to anyone, except when I have to at work. But, it's better that way. If I talk with someone, then that someone might remind me of something or might poke at my armor, pick away at it in an attempt to find me within. I don't want that. I don't want the pain.

If I don't touch anyone, then no one will touch me. Right? Right.

But it is lonely.

I am a rock

I am an island

But, why should I care about lonely? A rock is always alone. And a rock doesn't care…

I am a rock. I am a rock. I am a rock…

And a rock feels no pain

And an island never cries

I don't feel pain anymore. I have finally achieved complete numbness. People I know complain that I have no heart, but… they don't know. They don't understand

I am a rock, and I don't cry anymore. I won't cry anymore. I can't cry anymore…

Oh God, I will _not_ cry anymore.

I am a rock. I am a rock. I am a rock…

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End. Please Review! 


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